


you know it's over

by evilythedwarf



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:11:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilythedwarf/pseuds/evilythedwarf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izzie figures out holding on will eventually kill her. Or something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you know it's over

**Author's Note:**

> AU. What she could have done when she figured out she was going crazy.

You know you’re crazy when… when you have long and meaningful conversations with your dead boyfriend. You’re certifiable, you need to be committed and you are definitely screwing up your life beyond recognition. And not just your life, God, it’s not only your life you’re ruining. Because he loves you. 

He  **loves**  you. 

Alex fucking loves you and you have no idea what the hell you’re going to do with that. 

He smiles and it just… it should melt your heart. It shouldn’t make you feel like you’re ruining his life. You saw him cry once and you never, ever want to see it again but you know that’s where he’s headed. That’s where this whole mess is headed. It’s all your fault.

Alex is being that guy. He’s being that man you wanted him to be from the start, the guy you always knew he could be. The guy you could have fallen in love with. Before. Before Denny, that is. Things were so much easier before him. Dreaming was easier, believing was easier, breathing was easier and then. Then. Then you fell in love. And he died. He died on you, just like that.

It still hurts. It always hurts.

You get better at pretending, because, well, you need to. You need to move on. You need to let people know you have moved on. They need to believe that while Denny’s death almost killed you, here you are, living, surviving, pretending you’re not broken anymore when the truth is, Izzie, your pieces are just so far apart that they will never get together again. You keep trying. And trying. And trying. And. And it’s just too hard.

So one day you see your dead fiancé and it scares the hell out of you because it’s the one thing, the  **one**  thing you never stopped wishing for.

You know you’re crazy when Denny kisses you and touches you and you know it’s him because of the way his stubble feels across your belly. You know you’re crazy because well, he was never warm before and now his hands burn your back. And you don’t care.

Okay, you care, because you are obviously crazy and should be committed but you don’t care because he’s here and you never stopped loving him and he is freaking here with you and you need him. You  **need**  him. More than it’s humanly possible.

What people don’t get is this: you never had a chance. The kids and the grey hair and the garden and the love and the rings and all the things he made you believe you could have. Nothing has ever been as unfair as this because before, well, you always had a fighting chance. 

Now you’re holding on for dear life because you are too afraid of letting go and you are standing beside the man who loves you and who you so wish you could love back and you know, you know, you know know know that you can’t keep doing this. There’s real and there’s not and Denny, he feels real but he’s not and one day you are going to accept that. You might as well just do it now, right? Right? Right. It is  **killing**  you. Slowly.

Alex ties the last stitch and Denny whispers in your ear and you smile, Alex is the first to make it solo and you are so proud. So proud you wish you could turn it off, the crazy.  
There’s clapping and pride and everybody smiles and you are scared shitless and then you turn and you see him and smile at him and you close your eyes and wish Denny away, it kills you a little but it’s too much, drowning you and suffocating you and pushing down on you.  
Then you open your eyes. And he’s still there.

You sigh and pretend and hold Alex’s hand and you let him push you against the closest on-call room’s door and it should be so perfect and good and happy. Instead, you close your eyes and try not to hear as Denny tells you how much he loves you.

And then. You’re all done and Alex sleeps and you cover him with a blanket and let him rest and you know what you gotta do.

You walk. And walk. And walk. And walk and then you’re there. And you see the neuro god and you are so tired. Exhausted. Scared. Ready to freaking melt down in the middle of your hospital and you desperatly need to let go.

“Dr. Shepherd? I think there’s something wrong with me.”

[the end]


End file.
